ART
‘We shall remain inconsolable and never find a substitute ... It is the only way of perpetuating the love which we do not wish to renounce’
- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his friend Ludwig Binswanger, after Binswanger’s son had died
- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his friend Ludwig Binswanger, after Binswanger’s son had died
The quote above is a lovely one, when considered as it was written - allowing the grace of Grief to be a worthy expression of how deeply we love. And yet in Disenfranchised Grief, we remain inconsolable not out of a wish to remain with love and memory, but out of the desperate loneliness of expulsion. Specifically we are torn down by the compounding of the Grief of not only the primary loss itself, but perhaps even more deeply, by the loss of voice, of place in relationship, sense of welcome or belonging in family, society - or most crucially and finally, loss of connection to self, Hope or Spirit.
Here is my Art, along with brief verbal exploration of each image I made as expression of the well of Disenfranchised Grief I have held in my life. Feel welcome to simply look at the visuals, or you may read to engage with my personal movement through the pain, healing and making of the art itself*.
*All Artwork on this site is copyrighted and the pieces below are watermarked. Apologies for disruption of viewing - I hope the overall effect is still available to you.
Here is my Art, along with brief verbal exploration of each image I made as expression of the well of Disenfranchised Grief I have held in my life. Feel welcome to simply look at the visuals, or you may read to engage with my personal movement through the pain, healing and making of the art itself*.
*All Artwork on this site is copyrighted and the pieces below are watermarked. Apologies for disruption of viewing - I hope the overall effect is still available to you.
1. Wretching Up Guilt
This is the first image in the series, in which I depict the debilitating sense of displaced guilt, nausea, fear, aloneness, depletion and exhaustion that I have carried in response to many unspeakable losses in my life. The first and most formational of these being sexual abuse by a close family member at the age of three (which continued until I was seven). I repressed the memory* of this when my abuser said loudly that it did not happen. The loss here was physical, yes, but more so it was a loss of my connection to my deep self; for it was clear that I could not speak what had happened, and so my small self "swallowed" not only the physical toxicity, but also the emotional fear and shame of my abuser. I became the carrier of his guilt. I became the family scapegoat - the "crazy" one. I will not share details of this trauma and its many layers here as I have done so other places, and speak openly about my childhood abuse in many venues. What is relevant here, is that the retching of the wretched spirit within the character in the film clip I shared revealed what his words would not: the way he felt inside about what he had done. Making the painting helped me feel, see, and remove my abusers unclaimed shame, horror and nausea from my being on a visceral level.
The making of this painting generated a sense of PHYSICAL WELL BEING I can hardly describe. My BODY felt WHOLE after making the image. This sense of wholeness came in part because the time was right (healing trauma can not be forced), but also from the spiritual/mental/emotional and PHYSICAL ACT of placing this feeling-charged substance outside my body and onto the canvas.
I am sharing one aspect of what I "Wretched" up in this painting, but it bears note that there were four other events in my life that paralleled (emotionally) this one I have shared. These occurred (and reinforced my sense of bearing this load of what others had tasked me with carrying for them) at various stages of my life, including up to within this past decade (the most recent of which occurred only two years and a few months ago).
I allowed EACH INCIDENT OF DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF I was aware of to vacate my being on every level and enter into this art as I created it.
Please TAKE A DEEP BREATH now and if you carry Disenfranchised Grief of your own, allow it to begin to flow out of you on your good, courageous breath. . . (If you do not have D.G. of your own, breathe out for those who do, thank you.)
*The concept of Repressed Memory is still hotly debated in some academic/psychological circles. However, whatever "science" may have to say about it, for our journey through these pages - and any of my work - Repressed Memory is acknowledged as the real and true phenomenon that it is.
The making of this painting generated a sense of PHYSICAL WELL BEING I can hardly describe. My BODY felt WHOLE after making the image. This sense of wholeness came in part because the time was right (healing trauma can not be forced), but also from the spiritual/mental/emotional and PHYSICAL ACT of placing this feeling-charged substance outside my body and onto the canvas.
I am sharing one aspect of what I "Wretched" up in this painting, but it bears note that there were four other events in my life that paralleled (emotionally) this one I have shared. These occurred (and reinforced my sense of bearing this load of what others had tasked me with carrying for them) at various stages of my life, including up to within this past decade (the most recent of which occurred only two years and a few months ago).
I allowed EACH INCIDENT OF DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF I was aware of to vacate my being on every level and enter into this art as I created it.
Please TAKE A DEEP BREATH now and if you carry Disenfranchised Grief of your own, allow it to begin to flow out of you on your good, courageous breath. . . (If you do not have D.G. of your own, breathe out for those who do, thank you.)
*The concept of Repressed Memory is still hotly debated in some academic/psychological circles. However, whatever "science" may have to say about it, for our journey through these pages - and any of my work - Repressed Memory is acknowledged as the real and true phenomenon that it is.
2. Stillness in thE Void
This one, I imagine, is self explanatory. Though the art was simple, experiencing and processing the journey of making it was rich, deep and reflective.
After ejecting - vomiting up - the energy of all I realized I had been carrying for so many decades, a sense of vast stillness engulfed me. I felt clean, egoless, un-populated. It was a sensation I am familiar with from much inner work in the past - remembering, processing, releasing, sharing - all these can empty us into the pristine serenity of this void (which is also the vast arena of the unknown, of Mystery). Yet this one was particularly wide and still.
I had struggled with an unnamed unshakeable sense of guilt - and anger at whomever had made me guilty of some thing I could not name but could not escape, somehow knew I was not at fault for yet could not run from blame. The lifting of this, the "wretching up" of it through Art, had made me many thousand kilos lighter. The STILLNESS was louder than loud yet more beautifully silent that any silence I have known. Think of it as relief from all sense of agitation; physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. A sense of falling up, or expanding open into the width of the bluest sky, and also of laying down and allowing something greater than myself to take those old burdens - and yet at the same time more present in this moment than ever before.
After ejecting - vomiting up - the energy of all I realized I had been carrying for so many decades, a sense of vast stillness engulfed me. I felt clean, egoless, un-populated. It was a sensation I am familiar with from much inner work in the past - remembering, processing, releasing, sharing - all these can empty us into the pristine serenity of this void (which is also the vast arena of the unknown, of Mystery). Yet this one was particularly wide and still.
I had struggled with an unnamed unshakeable sense of guilt - and anger at whomever had made me guilty of some thing I could not name but could not escape, somehow knew I was not at fault for yet could not run from blame. The lifting of this, the "wretching up" of it through Art, had made me many thousand kilos lighter. The STILLNESS was louder than loud yet more beautifully silent that any silence I have known. Think of it as relief from all sense of agitation; physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. A sense of falling up, or expanding open into the width of the bluest sky, and also of laying down and allowing something greater than myself to take those old burdens - and yet at the same time more present in this moment than ever before.
3. Sleuthing The VIrus
Intellectually processing specific, individual losses and their cumulative, swallowed and held effective life-lenses: Confusion, Fear, Despair, Rage, Guilt, Sorrow, Hatred, Loneliness, Hopelessness.
This piece is where I allowed the healing of the mind to follow the physical and emotional EMPTYING, allowed the mind to satiate itself with thinking and organizing ideas as it's way of processing what I had just done emotionally. I find that it is useful to keep the mind occupied (like a small child), so as to keep it from interfering with the heart's necessary process! In this painting I allowed my mind to do it's thing. Sometimes, intellectual processing and understanding is a way I give my heart and body a momentary rest from the real work entailed in healing trauma & grief.
Here, I chose to put words to specific traumas that in one way or another I was disinvited to share throughout my life. Traumas such as the child abuse, abandonment, being labeled crazy (so, like so many survivors of secret abuse, I could be disbelieved if I spoke out), the shunning and loneliness in my work of being a "friend to the unlovable" - (companioning people who are deemed "unacceptable" by society such as "murderers", "child molesters"**), divorce, death of certain loved ones, despair and disintegration due to 7 years of covert narcissistic abuse, house fire, family events and self discovery resulting in loss of sense of self as a parent, 22 home moves in 61 years, abrupt loss of what I thought was my very best whole-lifetime friend and the disconnection from world view that that elicited, and more.
**I use quotation marks here as I do not subscribe to the labeling of any human based on their actions. This is NOT to condone harmful behavior, but rather to allow the wholeness of individuals, along with their/our deeds. More on this in my book. If you know of people who have been labeled by their actions, specifically those who are then shunned by society for these deeds (such as "criminals"), and who might like to share their stories (anonymously if they prefer) with me, please share this site and/or questionnaire - I would love to hear from you/them:
MAYA'S DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF & LOSS QUESTIONNAIRE
This piece is where I allowed the healing of the mind to follow the physical and emotional EMPTYING, allowed the mind to satiate itself with thinking and organizing ideas as it's way of processing what I had just done emotionally. I find that it is useful to keep the mind occupied (like a small child), so as to keep it from interfering with the heart's necessary process! In this painting I allowed my mind to do it's thing. Sometimes, intellectual processing and understanding is a way I give my heart and body a momentary rest from the real work entailed in healing trauma & grief.
Here, I chose to put words to specific traumas that in one way or another I was disinvited to share throughout my life. Traumas such as the child abuse, abandonment, being labeled crazy (so, like so many survivors of secret abuse, I could be disbelieved if I spoke out), the shunning and loneliness in my work of being a "friend to the unlovable" - (companioning people who are deemed "unacceptable" by society such as "murderers", "child molesters"**), divorce, death of certain loved ones, despair and disintegration due to 7 years of covert narcissistic abuse, house fire, family events and self discovery resulting in loss of sense of self as a parent, 22 home moves in 61 years, abrupt loss of what I thought was my very best whole-lifetime friend and the disconnection from world view that that elicited, and more.
**I use quotation marks here as I do not subscribe to the labeling of any human based on their actions. This is NOT to condone harmful behavior, but rather to allow the wholeness of individuals, along with their/our deeds. More on this in my book. If you know of people who have been labeled by their actions, specifically those who are then shunned by society for these deeds (such as "criminals"), and who might like to share their stories (anonymously if they prefer) with me, please share this site and/or questionnaire - I would love to hear from you/them:
MAYA'S DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF & LOSS QUESTIONNAIRE
4. Refinding the cave of the heart*
Emotional Healing. In this painting I allowed the falling away of old snakeskin that had surrounded my heart for protection. Here I breathed into the warmth and tentative safety of a heart disentangled from layers of the unspoken pain of Disenfranchised Grief and Loss. Here, I welcomed myself back to the Hope, Healing and powerful Life Force of dwelling in The Cave of my own Heart.
(*The asterisk refers to a workshop I developed in 2008 by the same name I have used for this piece of art.)
(*The asterisk refers to a workshop I developed in 2008 by the same name I have used for this piece of art.)
5. joy hope freedom
This one, I think, speaks for itself. The sense of Joy, Hope and Freedom I experienced upon completing the other four pieces was overwhelmingly delightful in every way! The fun for me in looking at this one is that it seems obviously childlike. This was not intentional, or at least it was not a conscious choice I made - I simply drew with a tube of paint and out came this very child-art-ish image. To me, it feels so true and right in its expression of the part of me that was most liberated by the project. While there were many layers - from many stages of my life - of Disenfranchised Grief discovered, experienced, expressed and released in the making of these paintings, the deepest root or hook to pain and wounding went back to my three year old self. And here she is, jumping for joy.
I remind myself now (and over again) that the nature of Disenfranchised Grief is that it will become COMPOUND Grief - for that which remains un-disclosable, unspeakable, un-wordable, un-sharable, for any reason, remains within us, awaiting its air time. Thus, facing or working towards healing Disenfranchised Grief - through making art (or whatever tool you prefer) - will always offer gateways to that which our deepest selves long to share.
*************
***RE-ENFRANCHISING GRIEF ©Maya Massar 2021
A Workshop & Lecture Presentation for those who support souls in the process of healing acute or lifelong Disenfranchised Grief.
I remind myself now (and over again) that the nature of Disenfranchised Grief is that it will become COMPOUND Grief - for that which remains un-disclosable, unspeakable, un-wordable, un-sharable, for any reason, remains within us, awaiting its air time. Thus, facing or working towards healing Disenfranchised Grief - through making art (or whatever tool you prefer) - will always offer gateways to that which our deepest selves long to share.
*************
***RE-ENFRANCHISING GRIEF ©Maya Massar 2021
A Workshop & Lecture Presentation for those who support souls in the process of healing acute or lifelong Disenfranchised Grief.
