STORy
Grief work
I have spent many years studying, examining, deepening, writing or painting or dreaming or creating - or otherwise thinking about - things that allowed me to come to know myself and what made me, ever more intimately. Anyone who has dabbled or dived into the world of personal growth and healing knows that this dance is an ongoing one; if we are human and alive, there is always more to discover about ourselves, those we love, those we care for and the larger human community.
For this reason, I was not surprised to learn that there was yet more for me to do in this arena!
I chose to further my studies and understanding of the many facets of Grief in part as a way to expand my skills and abilities to be present for those I work with, in part to "tick the box" I am required to tick in "continuing education" as a Spiritual Director, Hospice Grief Companion and Interfaith Minister each year. What I came to discover was that in fact, what I would encounter, and most needed, was (yet another layer of) my OWN healing of Grief.
For this reason, I was not surprised to learn that there was yet more for me to do in this arena!
I chose to further my studies and understanding of the many facets of Grief in part as a way to expand my skills and abilities to be present for those I work with, in part to "tick the box" I am required to tick in "continuing education" as a Spiritual Director, Hospice Grief Companion and Interfaith Minister each year. What I came to discover was that in fact, what I would encounter, and most needed, was (yet another layer of) my OWN healing of Grief.
my discovery
During the early parts of my exploration, I found myself deeply engaged in a task known as a "Loss Intensity Graph". For this task, I made a list of the greatest losses in my life. From this list I chose the top 8 loss events, (experienced as most intense at the time of the event), placed these on a graph, by year, stress level and style of grieving. What I discovered intrigued - and troubled - me deeply; the worst or most intense losses (or at least my current perception of those losses) were all losses that I had not finished grieving.
As I examined these, it was very clear that each of the "unfinished" griefs were around losses for which the grief would be considered DISENFRANCHISED. (Again, Disenfranchised Grief is any grief or loss that is not openly acknowledged by others, is not socially accepted or is not welcome to be publicly mourned.) I was not surprised to find more self-work to do, yet somehow I was also stunned by the nature of it; I had put so much focus on each of the incidents over the years - in traditional therapy, in alternative healing modalities, in the world of Spiritual, Shamaic and Animistic healing, in Dreamtime and expressive art, in school, with friends and colleagues and, well, you get the picture. . . due in part to my comfort in such inner explorations, the discovery was not daunting - in fact it was exciting to me, so, being a bit of a bunjee jumper in the world of inner healing, I took the leap. I began to investigate more deeply the phenomenon that is Disenfranchised Grief, and how, specifically, it was affecting me.
Again not surprisingly, as the Wild Magic of this Spiritual Universe is wont to offer, I was gifted opportunity to unfurl. Seemingly randomly, I was sent a link by a friend. This link was to a list of "best movie endings of all time". Normally, something like this I might let go un-viewed, but having a long chapter of my life in the film industry, I was curious. I had seen most of the films on the list, however one of them I recalled being intrigued by back in 2014 when it came out, but had not seen it all at the time. It was a documentary (yes, I will tell you which one in a moment). I watched the clip of the film's ending and found it very disturbing, for obvious reasons which you will understand if you take a look. However, what became most disturbing to me over the hours, night, and days to follow was not the content of the film - - it was the fact that I could not get the intense experience of seeing those last minutes of the central character's incongruous words and behavior, nor the nauseating sensation in the pit of my stomach that that character's final body responses brought up in me, out of my head. It seemed the grotesqueness LIVED INSIDE OF ME.
I knew that this FEELING SENSE was a gateway - I could deny it (as society often invites us to do when things feel "bad") or I could use my knowledge of and skills in somatic and inner healing - and my courage in taking on such adventures - to uproot this long-set horror and move toward greater well-being and freedom to embrace life. Obviously, I chose the latter - and share some of it here.
THE FILM:
The film I will refference is a documentary that was begun as a way for surviving family members of the 1960's Indonesian Genocide to locate their loved ones that had never been accounted for. Acclaimed documentary filmmaker, Joshua Oppenheimer, intended to interview perpetrators as a way of facilitating the search for missing victims. However, as the interviews went on, Oppenheimer found a strange phenomenon; the perpetrators were more than happy to share their stories of killing and torture, almost as if they were proud of their deeds.
Fascinated by this phenomenon, Oppenheimer switched his focus to a curious, non-judgemental investigation of the psychology of these killers and the way that they had created stories for themselves in order to survive what they had done. He chose to see each as a human being (rather than write them off due to personal judgement of their actions) in order to truly see what made them tick. (Genocide aside, the film is truly a fascinating study in the human ability and propensity to rationalize.)
There is a fascinating interview with the filmmaker in which he discusses this here:
Joshua Oppenheimer - The Act of Killing Interview:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GWJtKFGevM
It is not necessary that you see this clip to understand my process or the art on the following page. If you are curious and want to see it, I offer the link below. However, I do want to caution with a TRIGGER WARNING. There are several potentially distressing parts of the clip; for me, the issues these brought up were things I was able to use as a gateway to some very rich healing; if you feel you may be triggered and do not feel supported or feel that you do not have the resources to do the healing work on your own, I advise caution in watching this 10 minute video clip.
The Act of Killing (2012) Ending:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6CqAUKBljY
In the hours, night and days after seeing this, the word "Wretching" rose up for me. I am well aware that it is not actually a word in any dictionary. Our choices, as per Google Dictionary, are:
Wretch
noun: wretch; plural noun: wretches:
an unfortunate or unhappy person.
Or
Retching
verb: gerund or present participle: retching
make the sound and movement of vomiting.
I have combined them, to create the best description of that feeling in my depths that was triggered by watching the film clip.
As I examined these, it was very clear that each of the "unfinished" griefs were around losses for which the grief would be considered DISENFRANCHISED. (Again, Disenfranchised Grief is any grief or loss that is not openly acknowledged by others, is not socially accepted or is not welcome to be publicly mourned.) I was not surprised to find more self-work to do, yet somehow I was also stunned by the nature of it; I had put so much focus on each of the incidents over the years - in traditional therapy, in alternative healing modalities, in the world of Spiritual, Shamaic and Animistic healing, in Dreamtime and expressive art, in school, with friends and colleagues and, well, you get the picture. . . due in part to my comfort in such inner explorations, the discovery was not daunting - in fact it was exciting to me, so, being a bit of a bunjee jumper in the world of inner healing, I took the leap. I began to investigate more deeply the phenomenon that is Disenfranchised Grief, and how, specifically, it was affecting me.
Again not surprisingly, as the Wild Magic of this Spiritual Universe is wont to offer, I was gifted opportunity to unfurl. Seemingly randomly, I was sent a link by a friend. This link was to a list of "best movie endings of all time". Normally, something like this I might let go un-viewed, but having a long chapter of my life in the film industry, I was curious. I had seen most of the films on the list, however one of them I recalled being intrigued by back in 2014 when it came out, but had not seen it all at the time. It was a documentary (yes, I will tell you which one in a moment). I watched the clip of the film's ending and found it very disturbing, for obvious reasons which you will understand if you take a look. However, what became most disturbing to me over the hours, night, and days to follow was not the content of the film - - it was the fact that I could not get the intense experience of seeing those last minutes of the central character's incongruous words and behavior, nor the nauseating sensation in the pit of my stomach that that character's final body responses brought up in me, out of my head. It seemed the grotesqueness LIVED INSIDE OF ME.
I knew that this FEELING SENSE was a gateway - I could deny it (as society often invites us to do when things feel "bad") or I could use my knowledge of and skills in somatic and inner healing - and my courage in taking on such adventures - to uproot this long-set horror and move toward greater well-being and freedom to embrace life. Obviously, I chose the latter - and share some of it here.
THE FILM:
The film I will refference is a documentary that was begun as a way for surviving family members of the 1960's Indonesian Genocide to locate their loved ones that had never been accounted for. Acclaimed documentary filmmaker, Joshua Oppenheimer, intended to interview perpetrators as a way of facilitating the search for missing victims. However, as the interviews went on, Oppenheimer found a strange phenomenon; the perpetrators were more than happy to share their stories of killing and torture, almost as if they were proud of their deeds.
Fascinated by this phenomenon, Oppenheimer switched his focus to a curious, non-judgemental investigation of the psychology of these killers and the way that they had created stories for themselves in order to survive what they had done. He chose to see each as a human being (rather than write them off due to personal judgement of their actions) in order to truly see what made them tick. (Genocide aside, the film is truly a fascinating study in the human ability and propensity to rationalize.)
There is a fascinating interview with the filmmaker in which he discusses this here:
Joshua Oppenheimer - The Act of Killing Interview:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GWJtKFGevM
It is not necessary that you see this clip to understand my process or the art on the following page. If you are curious and want to see it, I offer the link below. However, I do want to caution with a TRIGGER WARNING. There are several potentially distressing parts of the clip; for me, the issues these brought up were things I was able to use as a gateway to some very rich healing; if you feel you may be triggered and do not feel supported or feel that you do not have the resources to do the healing work on your own, I advise caution in watching this 10 minute video clip.
The Act of Killing (2012) Ending:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6CqAUKBljY
In the hours, night and days after seeing this, the word "Wretching" rose up for me. I am well aware that it is not actually a word in any dictionary. Our choices, as per Google Dictionary, are:
Wretch
noun: wretch; plural noun: wretches:
an unfortunate or unhappy person.
Or
Retching
verb: gerund or present participle: retching
make the sound and movement of vomiting.
I have combined them, to create the best description of that feeling in my depths that was triggered by watching the film clip.
healing possibilities
"The most critical thing you can do with disenfranchised grief is find language for it."
– Rev. Adrienne Waterman
– Rev. Adrienne Waterman
This is one of my favorite quotes on the healing of Disenfranchised Grief. The truth in it is, most likely, well known to most who work in mental health, yet I feel it cannot be said, and we cannot be reminded of it, often enough - - of the importance of this - - for ourselves and for those we work with. It may be true for all forms of grief, yet the very nature of DISENFRANCHISED Grief is that it has been restrained, for any of a number of reasons, from being given words. I took this quote to heart as I embarked on the inner road trip to the removal of that sense of "wretching" that was apparently still within me.
In my case, Rev. Waterman's quote applies, of course, but required two steps to get to the literal language; my own brain's preference for and comfort in right-hemisphere functions required that I make images in order to find the words. Or, perhaps, it is the images that ARE my words; it is not that I am particularly a "visual learner" as they say, but rather that my personal primary language is images. It happens to be my belief that this is true for most (if not all) of us, though this language can get obscured along life's way. Long before we are able to learn (and use the code that is) language and linear thought, we are filled with and think in images. In cases where we take in scenarios that will generate our early experiences of Disenfranchised Grief before we are fluent in verbal language, use of the language of imagery may actually be the purest key available for the unlocking of ancient, unexpressed trauma. In my work with clients, this seems to play out in the depth of sensory and experiential memory that can be accessed by non-linear awareness; images, sounds, smells and "feeling" are far more likely to engage one in the deep work of allowing past trauma to the surface.
I have a vast array of tools for working through both trauma and grief. Disenfranchised Grief will almost always be composed of both, along with the secondary trauma of - and loss in - being ostracized and silenced. While I could have chosen any number of the tricks of my trade to do this work, because I was aware that my early traumas connected to this feeling were pre-verbal, and because it is one of my most facile and easily accessed tools, I decided that my pathway to the release and healing of this horrific feeling within me - and the roots of the trauma that had locked it there - would be ART.
In my case, Rev. Waterman's quote applies, of course, but required two steps to get to the literal language; my own brain's preference for and comfort in right-hemisphere functions required that I make images in order to find the words. Or, perhaps, it is the images that ARE my words; it is not that I am particularly a "visual learner" as they say, but rather that my personal primary language is images. It happens to be my belief that this is true for most (if not all) of us, though this language can get obscured along life's way. Long before we are able to learn (and use the code that is) language and linear thought, we are filled with and think in images. In cases where we take in scenarios that will generate our early experiences of Disenfranchised Grief before we are fluent in verbal language, use of the language of imagery may actually be the purest key available for the unlocking of ancient, unexpressed trauma. In my work with clients, this seems to play out in the depth of sensory and experiential memory that can be accessed by non-linear awareness; images, sounds, smells and "feeling" are far more likely to engage one in the deep work of allowing past trauma to the surface.
I have a vast array of tools for working through both trauma and grief. Disenfranchised Grief will almost always be composed of both, along with the secondary trauma of - and loss in - being ostracized and silenced. While I could have chosen any number of the tricks of my trade to do this work, because I was aware that my early traumas connected to this feeling were pre-verbal, and because it is one of my most facile and easily accessed tools, I decided that my pathway to the release and healing of this horrific feeling within me - and the roots of the trauma that had locked it there - would be ART.
Questions before and after the fall
(or: procedure)
BEFORE I JUMP INTO THE WORK of MAKING THE ART, I ask myself:
What, exactly, are the PHYSICAL FEELINGS I am experiencing in response to the film clip?
What are the EMOTIONS I am feeling, can I separate them from one another?
What THOUGHTS come to me when I allow myself to feel the physical and emotional sensations?
(Is it helpful or relevant to discern which thoughts seem to be MEMORIES and which are thoughts about current situations or process?)
Where am I, in terms of feeling SPIRITUALLY CONNECTED as I proceed?
(Do I want to set up connections to people, places, things or my sense of the Spiritual to support me as I proceed?)
How many of the feelings/experiences in my answers to the above questions have I experienced repeatedly in my life, and in what way might exploration of these be further gateways to healing for me?
Make a list?
Do I have all the supplies I want?
Do I have the time and privacy I want?
WHILE MAKING ART (The Fall - into the abyss of feeling and the journey of expression):
Remembering to:
Breathe
Take breaks (eat food, have a bath, move my body, go into nature if I want or need to)
Cry, Laugh, Moan, Rage, Dance, Make weird noises, or any other impulse I may have in the process
Listen to my inner child, no matter what she wants to share
Let my adult self remind me that here and now we are safe and well
ENJOY the craft itself, delight in color, find what images/ideas/color matches what is inside me, let light lift me
Be fully courageous (as much as possible) in expressing - with no judgement or worry about what may end up on the canvas
AFTER THE ART IS MADE:
When I close my eyes:
How do I know I am finished?
What do I feel physically?
What do I feel emotionally?
What thoughts are flowing in my mind now?
How connected do I feel (to Spirit, myself, the world around me)?
(Same questions, eyes open, while I look at my work!)
Did I learn something (and if so, what)?
Do I feel CHANGED? And if so, in what way?
DAYS TO COME (self-recovery, redefinition, renewal):
After making a healing journey of this nature, I usually leave therapeutic art out where I can see it in my daily life for some time after making it. Looking at it daily catalyzes new revelations, more healing, more quests to be adventured upon, and usually if not always a deep sense of accomplishment, fulfillment and JOY in experiencing what was once trapped inside me being newly outside of me. I feel the lightness, I reinvent my ways of seeing myself, the world, and myself in the world.
JOY.
What, exactly, are the PHYSICAL FEELINGS I am experiencing in response to the film clip?
What are the EMOTIONS I am feeling, can I separate them from one another?
What THOUGHTS come to me when I allow myself to feel the physical and emotional sensations?
(Is it helpful or relevant to discern which thoughts seem to be MEMORIES and which are thoughts about current situations or process?)
Where am I, in terms of feeling SPIRITUALLY CONNECTED as I proceed?
(Do I want to set up connections to people, places, things or my sense of the Spiritual to support me as I proceed?)
How many of the feelings/experiences in my answers to the above questions have I experienced repeatedly in my life, and in what way might exploration of these be further gateways to healing for me?
Make a list?
Do I have all the supplies I want?
Do I have the time and privacy I want?
WHILE MAKING ART (The Fall - into the abyss of feeling and the journey of expression):
Remembering to:
Breathe
Take breaks (eat food, have a bath, move my body, go into nature if I want or need to)
Cry, Laugh, Moan, Rage, Dance, Make weird noises, or any other impulse I may have in the process
Listen to my inner child, no matter what she wants to share
Let my adult self remind me that here and now we are safe and well
ENJOY the craft itself, delight in color, find what images/ideas/color matches what is inside me, let light lift me
Be fully courageous (as much as possible) in expressing - with no judgement or worry about what may end up on the canvas
AFTER THE ART IS MADE:
When I close my eyes:
How do I know I am finished?
What do I feel physically?
What do I feel emotionally?
What thoughts are flowing in my mind now?
How connected do I feel (to Spirit, myself, the world around me)?
(Same questions, eyes open, while I look at my work!)
Did I learn something (and if so, what)?
Do I feel CHANGED? And if so, in what way?
DAYS TO COME (self-recovery, redefinition, renewal):
After making a healing journey of this nature, I usually leave therapeutic art out where I can see it in my daily life for some time after making it. Looking at it daily catalyzes new revelations, more healing, more quests to be adventured upon, and usually if not always a deep sense of accomplishment, fulfillment and JOY in experiencing what was once trapped inside me being newly outside of me. I feel the lightness, I reinvent my ways of seeing myself, the world, and myself in the world.
JOY.
Image: Detail from The Green Angel (c)MayaMassar 2009
